A Wounded Heart

Hello wonderful friend.

I’m afraid I’ve caught myself going through the motions of life again. It’s so frustrating when I break out of something then have re-“ah-ha” moment & realize that the mediocrity I’ve tried to avoid has once again emerged. How frustrating.

I started this blog because I was tired of wearing a mask. Whether or not anyone read it, I was still putting my heart into writing and acknowledging that even though I am a mess, Jesus has saved me & He remains faithful in my life. I needed to put myself out there in order to heal. If you just put a band-aid on a wound that requires more than that, it doesn’t heal & can even become infected. The Lord told me to be vulnerable with you; to be bold in my proclamation of His promises & to not be afraid of my imperfections & weaknesses.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

He has spoken gently to me, assuring me that my heart is safe with Him. He has shown me His faithfulness over & over again & has used situations in the past year, situations of both rejoicing and mourning, to show me He does not change. I know He has is growing me. And as He does, He has opened my eyes to different parts of my life that need to change.

The word “wholeheartedly” has been popping up everywhere. Does that ever happen to you? A word or verse or concept that keeps showing up everywhere you look? After seeing it a few times, I realized that Jesus was telling me He wants access to EVERY part of my heart so that I can love & serve Him WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I immediately responded with “You do have my whole heart.” But I began to realize that I have had parts of my heart closed so tightly that I haven’t even let Jesus into them. By trying to keep them isolated, I have unintentionally kept Jesus out as well. They are areas that are so dark & overwhelming that I have sealed them up, thinking that if I just closed that chapter & moved on as the new person I have become, it would be all right. But it is not all right. I put a band-aid on wounds that needed more than that.

So, sweet friend, if you think about me, would you please pray for me during this process? Some wounds need to be re-opened to be properly cleaned out so that they can heal properly, which will undoubtedly be painful. But I am excited to give Jesus access into every part of my heart & life. I am tired of wincing at the very idea that my beautiful Savior would see how unclean I truly am. I know I can’t hide things from Him, yet I’ve acted like I could. He knows. I know He knows. I think I’ve just been scared of the pain that addressing all of this would bring. But I’m more afraid of not giving Jesus everything I am. That is why I am thankful for the loving guidance He has been giving me on this beautiful & messy journey. I know my heart is safe with Him. I know that He will lead me safely through this.

He has always known about these parts of my heart, yet He still loves me! Nothing is hidden from Him, yet He loves me! He is patient & kind. So I am inviting Him to mold my heart to look more like His. It’s time for FREEDOM.

Please let me know if I can talk with you or pray for you about anything specific as well.

I declare my God as faithful!

In The Still Of My Heart

I was doing some cleaning yesterday afternoon to prepare for a visit from my sister & baby nephew. It’s always when I know I’ll be having company that I will dust everywhere (yes, even the places you can’t see) and finally decide where to put that stack of mail that has collected in the corner.
As I was finishing up in the kitchen I looked on top of my refrigerator & stared at the hospital bands that I was required to wear the night we lost our first baby. For months they remained on my counter where I could see & touch them every day. I didn’t want to throw them away or hide them. I don’t know why, but they have remained precious, tangible objects that have reminded me of the physical & emotional pain of that night. I could touch them & hold them in my hand when I needed to. And it brought comfort & connection to me. I didn’t want to get rid of them because I didn’t want to forget anything. Now I know I will never forget. How could I? But for a while it was a very real fear for me to think that the memory of that night or our baby would fade or that people would forget about our baby’s life. Those bands symbolized that for me. So getting rid of them would mean that what happened didn’t mattered. It terrified me. After a couple of months, I deliberately moved them from my counter to the top of the refrigerator. It was a step towards further healing for me. I knew they were there. If I needed to look at them or hold them, I could. But they were further away. And for the past 5 months, that’s where they have remained.
So yesterday, as I fixated my eyes on them, I began crying. Not out of sorrow, but out of remembrance. And I knew & felt that it was time. Not to discard them, but to tuck them away somewhere special, just like that night & our baby will always be a very real, precious part of me. So I did just that. And I realized something. That piece of my heart is no longer an excruciating, open wound. My God started bandaging it the moment that loss began. He personally tended to it in the quiet nights where I laid in bed sobbing, crying out to Him, wrapped in my husband’s arms. Even though it was painful, there were multiple times that my God changed those bandages & cleaned out the wound, because that’s what it needed. And yesterday, as I tucked those hospital bands away where they will remain from now on, I knew that the wound I have felt for 7 months has now become a beautiful scar. I realize that the healing that Jesus Christ has given me does not diminish the memory of our baby or minimize the significance & importance of that life-changing night. It just means that my God is faithful to walk with me through the dark valley & will restore me always. He is close to the broken-hearted & faithful to His Children. His peace is beyond what we can fathom. His love is deeper than we’ll ever know.
Thank you, Father for my beautiful scar. Enjoy loving on our sweet baby. We look forward to the time when we will be reunited & can do it ourselves. I declare You as faithful, my God, Savior & Comfort.
And as another testament to God’s faithfulness & for those of you who may not know, I am 6 ½ months pregnant with a little girl. We are naming her Raelyn which comes from the name Rachel in the Bible. It means “God’s lamb of beauty”. And oh my goodness, yes she is. 

Beauty for Ashes

Sweet, sweet friend. My heart is so heavy as I write this to you. I feel like it has been forever since we’ve spoken. I’ve missed you & have thought about you often.The first part of my absence was morning sickness. A few months ago my husband & I found out that we were pregnant with our first sweet baby. I can’t express to you the excitement & joy that was in our hearts every moment of the day. Just as I was exiting my first trimester, I began to miscarry on Oct 1st. By the end of the night, everything was done & over. The ER doctors repeatedly told me how well my body was doing. Sometimes the ugly process can take days. I can’t imagine that. As blessed as I feel to not have needed any surgical or major medical intervention, the toil it has taken on my body & my heart has left me hurting badly for the last few weeks. So along with this note, I ask for you to agree with me in prayer– I’m asking Jesus to restore my body 100%. I’m doing much better this week physically. Thank you, Lord. My heart will ache forever. I know that. But I’m so glad that when this heartbreaking moment came, I felt Jesus stronger than I ever have. He didn’t leave. He was overwhelming there in the midst of the doctors, nurses & ultrasound technicians. To me, His presence was stronger than theirs. There’s so much more I want to share with you, but as of this moment, this is all my heart can handle. I love you dear friend.

I would like to share a note with you that I wrote to our close friends & family the day after I lost my baby. I share this with you because I hope to express how much comfort & love the Lord has shown us. Some of you have already read this. Maybe a couple of you haven’t. So I’m including this for you. I want the glory of my Savior to shine, even when the storm clouds are painfully thick. Here it is:

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH. I know this more now than ever before. It’s now become tangible to me. Last night, Jarred & I lost our sweet baby. In the midst of all the physical & emotional pain, the tears & all the uncertainty, we felt the presence of God in the ER room. We are still feeling His presence in our quiet home today. My precious husband was right at my side speaking nothing but LIFE, AFFIRMATION & ENCOURAGEMENT over me the entire time; even though I know he was scared & grieving himself. THANK YOU JESUS, for my godly, sweet, supportive husband. I love him so much. As he was supporting me, my aunt & uncle patiently waited & supported us both for hours & hours in the waiting room; what a net of support & love Jarred & I felt just knowing they were there. They are the definition of what FAMILY should be.

Even as we felt violently tossed through wave after wave of heartache & pain, The PEACE of God that SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING was heavily present in us. Having Christ as our Savior; knowing that His heart was aching with us & for us; changed this night from a tragedy to a CELEBRATION. A celebration because our baby is with our Heavenly Father & our Heavenly Father is with us. And as sad as we are & as the tears & heartache haven’t ceased, we know…our God gives BEAUTY FOR ASHES.

Your love & support is so appreciated. I DECLARE MY GOD AS FAITHFUL!